Why Xenosaga Will SUCK HARDCORE...
or Why I Learned to Love Squaresoft and
Trash-Talk Videogames That Haven't Been Released.

Ah, yes. Xenogears. Revered by many a person as one of the single greatest games in gaming history. So the recent news of a 'prequel' made quite a bit of... well... news. Everyone's so happy-happy, joy-joy that it almost feels like Happy Days is going to make a comeback on FOX, the Network of Champions(tm), that seems to buy up every washed-up, two-bit comedy about a man and his hilariously unfunny sex life. Contradictions abound!

"Captain! We can't escape the grasp of this deadly Vortex of Suckiness! I don't think we can survive in this game much longer!

So I'm sure you're already Stark Raving Mad (like the short-lived, but hilarious, sitcom on NBC starring the kid that played Doogie Howser!) after reading the 'title' of this... I don't know what this is. And I assume that the title probably confused you more than anything... Anyway, Xenosaga could really SUCK HARDCORE. "But, Chris!" you say in a bewildering and malnourished tone, "Xenosaga can't SUCK HARDCORE! How could you possibly say such horrible, horrible things about the prequel to the greatest game ever made?! You are Hitler! And not the Hitler that burned the Jews. The Hitler that keeps having sex with my dog in the front yard!" Well, my friend, while most of what you say is true, your statement about Xenosaga not SUCKing HARDCORE could prove to be very false.

Since I despise everything and am currently in the process of sacrificing little children to the Dark Lord that will inevitably consume us all, I believe it is my duty to put the official "Squaresoft Whore Stamp" on my forehead, and parade around in the local mall trying to sell little kids internet porn. That's right, folks, but I don't believe that Monolith Soft Tech Alpha X3 Plus could possibly create a game near the greatness of Xenogears. Sure, sure, Monolith Soft: Special Victims Unit may have some of the 'key players' from the original Xenogears team, but I stress this question with an immense fortitude not seen since Alf found of Elvis lived next door and offered him peanut butter sandwiches... "So...?" Do you remember back when Square employees broke off and made a game called Shadow Madness? You don't?

In Xenosaga, raising your hand denotes many various things. In this picture, we see Cion demonstrating how it stands for, "Wow. Robots give great oral sex."

I wonder why... I mean, after it all, it broke EVERY RECORD for an American-made RPG! And seeing as how it had competition with The Secret of Evermore, it must have been great! Even though Square, Enix, and Namco recently announced their 5% ownership of each other, I'm sure Namco's Suburban Monolith Hoodlum Crew will manage to botch this game up.

Now, I know that Namco's Super Monolith Fortress Team Death Squad is capable of making good games. The Tales series is proof of that, right? (In Japan, anyway...) I'm sure Xenosaga will probably be a decent game. But, stealing my ideology from Chris Jones at The Gaming Intelligence Agency, why would they waste their talent on making another Xenogears? We KNOW they can make a good game. But why continue an already solid game? If Xenosaga was meant to be a sequel in terms of "the only thing that's the same is the name", then I could understand Namco's venture. Everyone needs to make a living, right? Even if that living does include leeching off someone else's idea. But seriously, what needs to be explained so bad that they should go through and make a completely new Xenogears-based game? It's bad enough that they chose a girl as the hero of the story (Send all hate mail here), but when they call her 'Cion Uzuki' and then claim she's not in any way related to Citan... I mean, get real. But I digress... Anyway, this isn't like the Army Men series. You can't just throw on a prefix or suffix or subtitle and expect to make a good game. (Although I have to admit... Xenogears: 3D Attack Formation General Christmas Surprise Special Edition does sound pretty fun.)

Here's a shot of Cion making one of her daily stops to the local strip club. You'll be passing by more than a few times if you want to advance the plot.

I actually almost feel sorry for Namco's Monolift Soft PageEditor v.4.0. Even with the Namco/Square/Enix thing, how much money do you think Square would charge Namco's Monolift Hardcore Supreme Challenge Champions to use all the old Xenogears stuff? Why would they bother paying all that extra money? I'm sure they would be able to make a pretty penny in returns from sales, but with Square's current monetary situation (FF Movie, PlayOnline, etc... they need like 8 trillion people to sign up 7 times or something to break even), I'm sure the copyright's going to come with a hefty, hefty price. Kind of like those Hefty garbage bags, except that it's a garbage bag full of money. Times like seven. Thousand. And I assure it's not chocolate money. (Although, I think Square would be getting a good deal out of that...)

So anyway, will Xenosaga SUCK HARDCORE? Or will it be new and innovative and not be tied to Xenogears in anyway? (I love how I'm implying the fact that UNLESS IT'S A COMPLETELY NEW GAME that it will be a horrible monster whose death I will most certainly take part in.) Anyway, regardless, Xenosaga will hopefully not be a crappy prequel the same way 'The Phantom Menace' was to Star Wars. We should all be hoping for an entirely new game, with maybe a few Xenoreferences scattered throughout the Xenogame, a la Wild ARMS 2 or Grandia 2 and probably even Rambo 2 (I never got past the boat, so I can't remember). But until more details are released from the tyrannical grasp of Monolith Soft Technodrome Subdivision BETA 5 MAX, we will never know. Unless we invent some kind of "time machine" that lets us "travel forward into time" so that we can "search" on the "internet" for "Xenosaga Cion hentai pics" to see if this game has achieved true popularity or not, since we all know that people don't make hentai of horrible games.... which sucks.

~Bones