TV Sucks

   I hate TV. No I don't. I hate certain things about it. And I'm not just talking about shows this time. This goes far deeper. Into the very essence of TV. Little "quirks" of TV if you will. Quirks that SUCK. SUCK A GREAT DEAL. Without further ado, here are things I, Kid Hollywood, hate about TV.

   Now don't get me wrong. I love commercials. They help keep TV watching affordable and give us time to run and do stuff without missing a MOMENT of the Simpsons. But then there is a bad section of commercials. Evil commercials. Commercials that are really uncalled for. Commercials from....HELL! Now I know you're crying "Mike, what are these commercials from hell?" Well, fuck you for not calling me Kid Hollywood. One such example of these commercials are medical commercials. I hate these commercials. I don't mean Aspirin commercials, or even health care commercials. No, what I hate are commercials for prescription drugs. They get so amazingly graphic. When they aren't graphic they just drag on about side effects. The worst of the lot are fat blocker ones. They talk about how you can become skinnier and imply this will make you more popular and then tell you that you "May experience oily discharge" I don't care how skinny you are. If your ass is pouring oily discharge all over the place I'm not hanging out with you. Discharge elsewhere. I don't get why they tell you all the side effects anyway. Yeah, you have to know about them but if it's a perception drug wouldn't your Doctor tell you all these things? Let Dr. Nick tell you you're gonna have oily discharge, not MY TV. Which brings up another point. Why is advertising needed? If you have serious asthma problems you're gonna see the doctor. If you see the doctor he'll know to prescribe you a drug that will help you. You won't be on top of him with your amazing medical knowledge you gained from watching a commercial.

"Doctor I saw a commercial for an asthma medication and I-"

"WHOA! WHOA! HOLD THE PHONE! You're telling me they actually have MEDICINE for ASTHMA? Great Scott! That's crazy! Man, what won't they think of next!"

   Great Scott indeed doctor. Great Scott indeed. Then there are the tampon commercials. I won't go into these too much (ha ha that sounds funny), but I really hate the commercial when it shows a window and it's raining out and it's down pouring and it says "Super" and normal(?) rain and it says "Regular" and then a light rain and it says "Light" and then they tell you it's for tampons. LKHFGHASJKGHAS what a mental image. That's all I'm saying about that and now I'm moving into the MOST disgusting commercial I've ever seen. EVER. Girl's bellybuttons SINGING. I have nothing against girl's bellybuttons. But seeing a bellybutton sing is so insanely disgusting. Blech. Blech I say. Great Scott Indeed.

   But the badness of TV doesn't stop here! Oh it most certainly does not. You watch a TV show. 29 minutes of it. Or maybe a movie, an hour and 59 minutes of it. Then it's time for the credits, and they show HILARIOUS out takes from the show! They show one final joke that makes it all worth it and makes sense of your life. You watch 2 seconds of the final clip and BAM you have to hear about what show comes on in 2 minutes because otherwise you'll change the channel and never come back. But once you learn that in a mere 2 minutes you'll learn about the "NU-EZ" well you can't turn away! Apparently they tell you what's going on in the world! I didn't know things happened in other countries and would never know of the brave advancements in the field of "food that you shouldn't eat" if my show's last moments weren't ruined. Thanks a lot.

   I hate high definition TV. It's all well and good and pretty looking, but guess what, when it's adopted in a few years all of your current TVs will be worth shit. That's right. All your TVs that aren't high definition won't pick up stations anymore. What an insane waste. I do not like this. It seems like switching from the current US system of measurement to the metric system. Sure the metric system is "easier" but it's also "suckier". I hate it. It's a tool of the evil red empire brought forth to reek havoc. Well, you can go kilofuck yourself and decashove your high definition TV up your milliass.

   That's all I have to say for now. Maybe there will be a part two. Only time, and your mom can tell and your mom is being all too quiet this time.

~Kid Hollywood