Jay Leno - Part Two

   In my never ending quest to inform you, my readers, of things I dislike I decided to visit one Mr. Jay Leno's website through nbc.com. I gave it a quick once over and decide to begin my quest in the section marked "Jokes". I have to. I can't just SAY he's horrible and expect you to take my word for it. No, I must march up and attempt to slay the dragon. Hey maybe I was wrong. Maybe this Jay Leno fellow is funnier then I thought!

   Nay nay good sir. The first joke that pops up is a Clinton joke naturally. Amazingly enough it doesn't have a Monica reference! Buuuut it's still not funny.

"Democrats are saying that under Bush's tax plan the rich would get richer, as opposed to Clinton's plan, where the rich just get pardoned."

   Ha ha hilarious Mr. Leno. Well, let's see the next one....

"Do you remember the guy who fired at the White House? Robert Pickett. A report said that he was on 24 different medications ... In fact, they said that he was on so many medications that he might be added to the cast of "Ally McBeal!"

    Well, we can't give up yet. Let's try another one. I'm sure it will be hilarious!

" As you know, the new Disneyland park "Disney's California Adventure" wants to replicate California. Unlike the real California, you have to pay to get in! "

   I really tried to get this one. I just didn't. That's just like a joke a 7 year old makes up and even most of his family can't manage a fake laugh. Except Jay Leno's did. "Ha ha way to go Little Jay! A door isn't a door when it's ajar! Brilliant! Ha ha... I don't know. Why did Clinton cross the road? To get to the intern? HAHA! Hilarious!" That's right folks. Little Jay Leno PREDICTED the whole Monica situation DECADES before it happened just so he could make jokes to his parents about it. Meanwhile little infant Kevin is laughing his balls off in the corner all the while grasping about as much of the joke as he does now. The saddest part of this whole thing is he has writers that do this for him. I decided to look into this a little more and moseyed over to the section called "Jay's Crew"

   Unfortunately "Jay's Crew" does not include writers. Or any of the other common folk in his staff. They don't get credit. Just his Band, trusty sidekick Kevin and Ed Hall. The most interesting thing I learned from Jay's Bio is that he's written a book called "Leading with my Chin." Maybe I have a future article waiting for me at my local bookstore? After learning this interesting fact I moved on to another part of the site.

   Looking the site over again I noticed "Jay's Garage" was the first of the links to other pages on the site. I clicked on it thinking garage was a metaphor for something else. No such luck, it was for Jay Leno's car collection. I spent a few moments pondering this one out. I have no problem with him having a car collection. I have no problem with him talking about it on his site. But why is this the top link on the page? Ah well. Moving on...

    Next on to the FAQ. I wondered what stunningly brilliant questions fans of the show asked. This one amused me. Just because of the way it was worded. " What are the minimum system requirements to enjoy the Tonight Show with Jay Leno web site? " Personally I would have asked "What are the maximum brain requirements to enjoy the Tonight Show with Jay Leno at all?" Second Question: "Can I view the Tonight Show web site using America Online (AOL)?" And the answer: "While most of the Tonight Show web site works in America Online, at this point, the "Lenotown" areas of the site are not functional" whoa whoa whoa....LENOTOWN?! I'd have to check up on this one later. Next we had this gem "How can I find out who is going to be an upcoming guest on The Tonight Show?" "Check out our "Upcoming Guests" section" what?! How frequently answered is this question? If you can't find the "Upcoming Guests" part how can you find out how to e-mail them? Were you looking in Jay's Garage when you wanted to see if the Olsen Twins were coming on Leno next week only to find that his car's must be coming on for guest appearances next week? After I finished burying my face in my pillow and crying at what is certainly the future of the human race I saw a question that made me curious. It said "Elvis's Motorcycle" which for some reason sounds like a lot of fun. "I heard Jay bought a motorcycle that once belonged to Elvis Presley. Is that true?" " Absolutely not. Jay has never purchased the fabled motorcycle that once belonged to "The King". This story is nothing more than an urban myth." Shucks, it turned out to be nothing more then a thread in the tapestry that is "Leno Folklore." The fabled motorcycle of lore. Also know as the "Motorcycle or Wind" or "The chariot of the Sun" or plenty of other fabled motorcycle names. I guess the minstrels were too busy singing his praises to get their facts straight. And did you notice whoever answered it seemed rather put out by the question? "Absolutely not." I sense some resentment. "that once belonged to "The King". Seems to me like he's challenging Elvis's nickname. Enough of this. I don't need to stand by and be insulted! Next page.

   I go to what I imagine will be the best part of the site that I've been saving for last. "Virtual Jay" The current problem with artificial intelligence is it can't really learn. It can just spit out what it already knows which could be a very limited ammount, over and over. So I'm expecting to see a perfect likeness of Leno. The first page says "HELP! Jay is trapped inside your computer. SAVE HIM NOW!" I don't like pushy pages. Besides that i don't want to help Jay. But he's in MY COMPUTER. I don't like that. This musy be fixed! So I bravely stride forward and click on "Episode 1". I proceed to wait. And wait. And wait. After a long wait an error message appears on my computer. My only conclusion is my computer was valiently trying to load up the page while inside Jay Leno was thwarting it at every turn. He likes it in my computer and plans to stay and i can't do anything about it.

...FOR NOW!

~Kid Hollywood