Family Feud

Welcome to the Feud! You know what show I'm talking about already. Most likely because you clicked on a link that said "Family Feud" or maybe you say "FamilyFeud" in the URL. Well, you're a cunning bastard aren't you?! Smarmy little so-and-so. But.... no.... this isn't the way to begin talking about the Feud! No, rather we must clap in time with the music as families are introduced! From California, it's the Moltrev family! And from New York, it's the Minority family! Ah welcome to the Feud.

The Feud is an odd mistress. It doesn't function like real life at all. It's so much happier, and that's not just because of Louie Anderson's bird song of a voice. They start off with a member from each family facing off and shaking hands. The families have a connection with each other. It's a shame they have to feud and only one can win. It's a Romeo and Juliet story only all the members of both families love each other. After the shaking hands is done Louie explains that he surveyed 100 somethings and they did something funny about giving answers. Always keeping it fresh. Good ol Louie. They try to guess the number one answer which would be the answer most of these 100 people gave. I wish I could just once be in a Feud survey. So the team that got the best answer gets to pick to pass or play. They almost always play. You can't always rely on the other team being dumber then you and that they'll foul their chance up. Everyone knows their own family is dumb but are other people's?!

Here's where the strange other worldly happiness shines through. No matter how completely stupid the answer one of the family members gives the rest of the family applauds it shouting, "Good answer! Good answer!" It baffles me. If outside of the Feud someone asked my cousin, "What's a job that would make it hard to get Life Insurance?", and my cousin said, "Plumber!", I wouldn't shout about how good of an answer it was. I'd laugh at her. Laugh at her till she hit me, and hit me she would, till I bled. But the set of the Feud has some uncanny magical powers (Much like the Uncanny X-men!) It could be the easiest question in the world and you're one away from winning it all and going to play for \\$10,000 with two strikes and your family member says the dumbest thing ever uttered in your family since eons ago when your fish ancestors crawled out of the ocean and the first thing fish uncle said was, "Boy it's a lot less humid then back home!", and your family proceeds to act like it was the most brilliant thing they've ever heard and seem genuinely surprised when they get their third X .

A few things puzzle me about the Feud. Why when they surveyed 100 people don't they get 100 points worth of answers? Most games give about 86 points. No need to worry. I'll look into this and get back to you. Kid Hollywood is dedicated to his fans. My guess is the other 14 people yelled out "PLUMBER!" and such when asked, and Louie knew enough that in the interest of fairness these people couldn't be counted. Another problem I've always had with the show are the first three rounds don't matter at all. Families can have 0 points and then the Triple point round comes up and BAM they win. C'est la vie, that's life.

Sadly one family has to lose it all and the awkward yet wonderful dance of the family love Feud is over. However one family goes on for a chance for the big bucks! Two family members answering the same 5 questions trying to get 200 points total. Win or lose they're still happy. Then in an amazingly uplifting show of good sportsmanship the losing family comes out to be with the winning family! Then they either clap in time to the music if they lost, or bounce and clap in time to the music if they won. Even the losing family bounces if the other family won! That's how I learned of the love they share. If I was walking in downtown Boston and saw \\$100 on the ground and ran for it, but right before I got it someone else grabbed it I wouldn't bounce up and down with him. I'd be pissed. And the Feud is for a HUNDRED times this amount. It would be like that happening to me one hundred times. I would be on my knees crying after the seventh. I'd foresee no bouncing in my immediate future. If only real life was more like the feud....

~Kid "Good Answer" Hollywood