Name: Chris Barmonde
Web Page Name: "Bones"
Age: 19
Your Own Webpage: Indeed.
E-mail: ICouldBeatYouUp@aol.com, DestroyerOfWorlds@ffcx.zzn.com

A brief history of Christopher "Bones" Barmonde:

  Chris was born in northeastern Siberia, where he was brutally slain by a pack of wild antelope. (The same antelopes that assassinated JFK and Martin Luther King, and then went on to raise OPEC prices all around the world, coincidentally). After a short time spent decomposing in the barren snow fields, a masked man appeared and gave him a 'Power Up', which revived Chris... to an extent. You see, he was still in his 'decomposed' state. To exact revenge on the one that would have him regain health only to be cast in hundreds upon thousands of B-movies as 'Zombie Alien 1' or 'Key Grip 3', Chris broke off the masked man's fingers and fed them to his wife, disguised as 'pigs in a blanket'. Disgusted by this, his wife committed suicide, and the masked man revealed himself to be unfunny man Craig Kilborn. Chris never felt bad about that incident again.

  So now, as a half-skeleton, Chris tried to make his mark on society. He was doing just fine, until people began to realize that Halloween wasn't celebrated year-round. People began to turn on Chris. They would throw glass shards and enclose themselves in circles of salt while yelling things like, "Ye vile whore of Satan, ye shall not have my brain this day! BACK YE DEVIL! BACK!" and "I wanted you to bone me, sure, but this was NOT what I had in mind... Get off of me, you freak!"

  Destitute and alone, Chris was exiled from his hometown of Istanbul, Turkey. For years he wandered aimlessly through eastern Europe, looking for someone who would take compassion on him. One day, he stumbled upon a time portal! "This will be my one chance to redeem myself!" he thought to his emaciated self. So bravely he ventured in, only to find it wasn't a time portal... but a THYME portal! He was now trapped under millions of tons of thyme! Suffocating from the extreme weight that was crushing his fragile skeletal structure, Chris managed to struggle his way out by using his seventh and eighth ribs as pick-axes. When he reached the top, the most beautiful woman in the world was waiting for him... and she was COMPLETELY NAKED. She felt compassion for Chris. In fact, she found that being a half-skeleton was pretty kinky.

  So Chris found acceptance, and even though the rest of the world continued to make jokes like, "Your epidermis is showing!" he wasn't phased, because hey, his epidermis WASN'T showing!

The End