A Guide to Family Vacations

    That's right folks, summer's back... with a vengeance. Mosquitos... neighborhood barbeques... family vacation... Don't worry. You're not alone. I, too, am a victim of the family vacation. There is no cure for this plague just yet. But there is hope. I have compiled a guide to family vacation safety from my own horrid experiences. You guessed it... I vacationed in New Jersey.

    The first phase of the Family Undergoing Constant Killjoy syndrome (also known as the FUCK syndrome) is the packing of belongings phase. A short period of displeasure compared to the point when the FUCK syndrome really sets in. My advice is to make sure you bring a CD player and/or a portable game system. This will ensure your safety during the next phase.

    The road trip. The second step of the FUCK. You start feeling confined to a 2 x 2 space while being locked securely by a belt. Make sure you DO NOT get the middle seat in the back. Be the first one by the car to claim this spot of minumum discomfort. And have your electronic pain-killers (CD player, gameboy) ready right away. You'll need them for when the family starts singing road trip songs. If the pain-killers stop working, knock yourself out immediately, as to avoid experiencing as much of the car trip as possible.

    So... you've actually made it through the trip somehow. But now you're at the destination. This is where the FUCK can become really deadly. For most of your time there... you'll want to stay in the hotel/motel/tent for as long as you can. Act sick so you won't have to be dragged out into the public... where you'll be seen with your mom. The levels of danger of FUCK vary from family to family. Some parents have the ability to make you go out with them. They might take you to the beach, where all the girls or guys will see you getting lotion put on your back by your mom. To avoid this, pre-lotion yourself before coming, or the embarrassment will be enough to make you cry. DO NOT make sand castles, or everyone will look at you like you were a child. And DO NOT swim with your family. Don't even acknowledge their existence while you're at the beach. Act similarly in other occassions. However, family dinings at public resturants are another matter. DO NOT be seen at a McDonald's with your family, especially if everyone in your family is ugly. Go to a dimly lit resturant, and don't order a lot, take your real food back to the hotel. DO NOT laugh at family jokes. Especially if you or your family laughs stupidly.

    After the first day of vacationing, you should have learned a few things. Use this to your advantage. Learn your family's behavior in public. Stay away from them when walking around. Act cool. If you're stupid, you will ruin your image. Even if no one knows who you really are. The golden rule is: Public Exposure Nears Irrecoverable Soul. To make it easier to remember, just think of the PENIS rule. Or else, you will be really FUCKed.

~0dd