The Three Ninjas Alpha EX Turbo Plus 4

     Ladies and gentlemen...the dream is dead. I come to you today reporting with a heavy heart. I have news so gravely shocking that when done reading, you will wet yourself just thinking of the huge historical event you have beared witness to. Our grandparents had World War II. Our parents had Woodstock. And now, we have this:

     The 3 Ninjas series of movies, spanning four delightfully...delightful pieces of cinematic orgasmic climax, is all a big sham. Let me repeat that:

     The greatest fucking thing ever to find its way out of humanity's collective asshole is all a big LIE. That's right. I realize what potentially harmful emotional effect a revelation of this magnitude can deliver, so I'll give you a few moments to wipe away tears and let you get a new pair of shorts.

     Done? Okay. Let me elaborate. Here, check this out:
3 Ninjas

     At first, it's no big deal, right? In fact, you probably use this page in your numerous religious sacrifices and such to this juggernaut of modern man, right? But take a look at something. Look at who's playing the title characters, Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum. That's right, three of the people who should be serving as Leaders of the Earth today: Michael Treanor, Max Elliot Slade, and

Chad Power, or Father of All Creation? You make the call!

(I kid you not if you didn't visit the link) Chad Power. But take a look at some of their film histories. Surely, they could've made lightning strike twice, right?

     But, no. Neither of these legendary heavyweights of film appeared in a film again after 1995. Keep that date in your mind as we move on to this:
3 Ninjas Kick Back

     Now, at first, this appears, again, like another simple shrine to the only surefire cure to every disease ever. But scroll down a bit, and clench your bowels tightly, because this will be a life-altering experience. Look, our old friend Max Elliot Slade is there, playing the Wild One of the Group, Colt. So, of course, surely our other two pals are there, reprising their roles as the greatest people ever, look, there's...HOLY LIVING FUCK! WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?! Michael Treanor, the original Rocky, has been replaced by...Sean Fox. Chad Power, possessor of a name that brings mere mortals to their knees, has been cast aside in favor of some white bread rich boy named "J. Evan Bonifant." Suddenly, the whole experience seemed cheapened. The bone-rattling action was still there, as was the rock solid plot, but...something was missing. We went from dialogue like this:

Colt: I'm Colt because I'm fast, he's Rocky because he's solid and he's Tum-Tum because he'll eat anything.
Tum Tum: I won't eat dog poop.

to slightly less awareness-raising dialogue like this:

Miyo: I have trouble swinging my butt.
Tum Tum: You mean your bat.
Miyo: Yes, my butt.   

     Now, granted, you still had to hold your nose shut and grab your stomach to make sure your intestines didn't come out during your inevitable fit of laughter, but it was still different. Maybe you didn't have to hold as long, or with as much pressure. Either way, you were feeling the effects of such a movie differently, and some so-called "purists" didn't like it. And they made themselves known. I won't point any fingers, but there's records of some car bombs intended for the director. I won't point any fingers, but there's records of some car bombs intended for the director. Luckily, they only took out some Communist bystanders...and...and...after what those vodka-drinking bastards did to me in my eight tours of duty, I say they can all...just...GO TO HELL. I WAS CHAINED TO A GOD DAMN RICE PATTY RIGHT IN THE HEART OF INDO-CHINA FOR NINETEEN GOD DAMN YEARS OF MY LIFE. I HAD TO EAT MY BEST FRIEND TO SURVIVE WHAT THOSE ABUSIVE SONS OF BITCHES DID TO ME. IF I HADN'T SAWED MY SELF FREE USING A TOOL MADE OUT OF THE HARDENED PUS FROM MY INFECTIONS, I'D STILL BE THERE TODAY. SO YOU CAN ALL PREACH TO ME ABOUT PEOPLE'S RIGHTS AND EQUALITY AND I'LL LOOK IN YOUR FACE AND SPIT WITH THE AMERICAN FLAG ON MY SIDE, BECAUSE I DRINK COMMUNISM UP AND PISS IT OUT AS FREEDOM, RED BLOODED AMERICAN FREEDOM, AND IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, LITTLE SUBURBAN PUNKS LIKE YOU WOULD HAVE TO LIVE IN A WORLD RUN BY THE REDS! SO YOU CAN ALL LICK MY BIG, SWEATY AMERICAN TAINT IF YOU'VE GOT A PROBLEM, AND I'LL GO BACK TO EATING MY MEAT RAW AND DRINKING MY BEERS COLD BECAUSE I STILL BELIEVE IN AMERICA GOD DAMNIT!

Look at that glorious acting range!

     But back to the elaboration. You see, the studio had heard about these attacks on the director that caught those godless foreigners, and for his safety and their profit margins, they demanded he go back to the basics. Which brings us to this:
3 Ninjas Knuckle Up

     It'll take a bit of scrolling, but, suddenly, the blood will rush to your sex organ and produce a happy warm feeling inside of you. The original three (No less ninjas, than GODS) were back. And they had some rear ends to violate with their feet. Or at least you would think so. But then, dialogue like this popped up:

Rocky: I get it now.
Colt: What?
Rocky: The sound of the flowers.
Tum Tum: Where?
Colt: You heard the flowers?
Tum Tum: What? I don't hear anything.
Rocky: That's the whole point. I didn't hear them.

         Now, look, I'm a generally smart guy. I'm not going to be drooling on myself while eating processed cheese and watching Wheel of Fortune. At least not more than once a week. But I still have no fucking clue in my mind what this means. At first, I thought it was some sort of secret code. But I took it to the top codebreakers in the Pentagon and...while fervently working, their heads exploded, destroying all the evidence except for a single note which read, "Colt is Rocky is Tum Tum is GOD." I didn't know it then, but this would be the key.

This man was to be the savior of the franchise.

     It is now that the dark period of the series was reached. After the confusing jumble that was 3 Ninjas Knuckle Up, audiences were hungry for something more. So it was decided to make a fourth flick to tie the saga up. Now, tell me something. If I walked up to you on the street and told you about a proposed idea for a movie involving, 1: The 3 Ninjas, 2: an amusement park, and 3: Hulk Hogan, star of some of the basic necessities of film, Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando, what would be your response? Chances are, your jaw would drop. If you were a woman, you might be so grateful for the bringing of this glorious news that you'd have sex with me. Hell, if you were a guy, you might have sex with me, albeit with a great deal of violent resistance on my part. It would take a great many incompetent minds to fuck a sure thing like this up. (INCOMING REST OF SITE PLUG: Just like Actraiser 2!) But somehow, some way, they did it. The movie that would've been the single most treasure piece of creative work in all of mankind became THIS monstrosity:
3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain

     Not a single one of the Original 3 Ninja Masters of Disaster return! Hulk Hogan is forced to go outside of his acting range and become a large hulking adult who's BAD with children! The amusement park had a bunch of sucky rides! It just didn't add up. Something...or SOMEONE wasn' pulling their weight. It was then that I figured the dark secret out.

All of the 3 Ninjas were played by the same deity: God.

     It finally all made sense. That's why the series is the sole voice of a generation. That's why you can't watch these movies today without going through multiple climaxes. That's why the acting careers of all of the Ninjas involved all but disappeared after their roles were done. And THAT'S why the heads of those government workers blew up. They figured it all out.

     We can't keep this quiet. We've got to spread the world. No matter how many are killed, no matter how many give up, we must press on. So today, I'm here to tell you all:

The 3 Ninjas are
[Note from Ed. - Rest of article was obscured by skull fragments and bits of brain matter. The author was unavailable to be found for a comment.]

(Note from Kid Hollywood- I have no fucking clue who this Ed fellow is but he can stay off my site if he knows what's good for him)

~Wally Buffalo