Planet of the Apes: Review

    I've heard that if a room full of monkeys banging on typewriters are given enough time they would eventually type out the entire old and new testaments of the bible. It is my theory that if one monkey is given one typewriter with which he bangs randomly on for 5 full minutes the script for Planet of the Apes will be produced.

    I went into the theater to watch this movie thinking that it would be pretty cool. Although, this is probably because the things most prominently advertised in the trailer were the fact that it is from the director of "Batman" and that it's called Planet of the Apes, which is also the name of a 1968 Charlton Heston classic. I thought maybe this movie would be a remake, but believe me... the title is purely coincidental.

    A more appropriate title for this film would be "Marky Mark and the Munky Bunch" or "Crap". It opens up with the best acting performance in the entire movie which is made by a chimp named Pericles and in what seems like absolutely no time (And certainly no plot build up) the brother of the most infamous New Kid On The Block of them all is stuck on a planet with a bunch of hostile guys in gorilla suits who all talk like they are wearing those plastic vampire fangs you get at halloween. Before you know it they have good old Marky Mark shackled and enslaved but never fear! Our dashing hero makes his escape before his character even has to develop! He then leads the rest of the enslaved humans on a rampage of "knock and run" on a trail that apparently goes through every single bedroom in the entire ape city sadly losing one of the unimportant characters who has absolutely no use in the movie on the way. And what do you know? Tim Roth shows up, and apparently Mr. Orange has recovered from his wounds and has used the money Samuel L. Jackson gave him in Pulp Fiction to buy a very fake looking ape suit and a very low quality acting performance. I'm assuming his character's name was Sade since all the monkeys with horrible lisps pronounce it "Thade". This Sade person, with no motivation at all, repeatedly gives orders and throws temper tantrums as opposed to actually trying to kill the human that he hates so much.

    But anyway all these things lead to the worst ending ever seen in a movie since...well...ever. I think the moral of this movie has something to do with the fact that no matter what you do you'll always end up on a planet completely inhabited by apes who want to kill you for no reason.

0/10