Monopoly

A little known fact: Uncle Money Bags started his great fortune by stealing babies and selling them to gypsies! What a crafty guy!

Monopoly - America's favorite board game. Everyone likes Monopoly, right? Not liking Monopoly is like saying you don't want to live. It's a bad analogy, but for the most part it's true.

That doesn't mean you won't find flaws within the game. As "American-pieish" as it may be, it's still got a lot of shit you wish wasn't there, or at least wish was changed.

Such as your banking and housing fate being decided by a pair of fucking dice. Or the fact that you as a person is represented by a thimbil. "Okay Johnny, we're going to simulate real life play! You're going to have to buy and sell houses and/or hotels on your property, plus you're going to have to manage a banking account! Now roll the damn dice and see where your thimbil lands on the board."

A little known fact: The justice system of Monopoly is strictly enforced by an officer with a hunchback and a little club. WATCH OUT!

As realistic as that may be, it still didn't compare to the Chance and Community cards. Whenever you land on one of those spaces (be it a happy question mark or treasure chest), you get to pick from a deck of cards, and that decides what happens to your or your opponents' fate. What the hell? When did I have kids? Back up here... Isn't it my god damn choice what happens to myself? Why should I condone to fate? It pisses me off that because of freak ass card, I now have to my friend to see some opera I never wanted to see to begin with!

Haha, oh man... Justice is finally served when your fucked up piece goes away for hard time in Monopoly prison! Four ways that I know of to get out of prison:

No matter how rich you are, everytime you go to the bank money AMAZES you so much your hat will fly off!

One, to serve out your sentence, by waiting three turns (or as they like to think, three weeks), two, by rolling the damn dice and getting doubles (which maybe translates into doing sexual favors for the guard. I don't know, and chances are, I don't want to know.), three, by paying the 75 dollar bail, and getting the hell out before you serve the 'long' sentence, and four, by bribing the card with a tasty "Get out of Jail" free card. Believe me, I'd like to be able to go up to a guard in prison and say something like "Let me the hell out of here, I have a get out of jail free card!", and then watch him open the gate for me as I fling the card at him. I could kill hundreds of people, push many old ladies in the street, god damn rob the bank for children's orphanages, and spend the money on drugs, but as long as I hold that get out of jail free card, all is made right with the world.

Monopoly is not without it's morals. No matter how rich you get you still fall victim to the tragic aging process.

Now, who rents out Free Parking? Seriously. This is one space of 'land' that does nothing but eat up money, waiting for the right person (or, I'm sorry, a damn board piece) to pass by it, so it give can the money away. No one knows who this mystery person is, but some suspect it's Mr. Moneybags himself. Who else is stupid enough to take money, and give it out to someone else, when there is no profit to be made?

What the fuck is wrong with this game? This is the most illogical game ever created! Is this the lesson we learn from Monopoly? A god damn short balding old guy dictacts the game and how fate jerks us over in real life? Does he get a kick out of watching us squander away all of our money even when we make the right decisions? Does he kick back and die of laughter when we waste \\$3,000 on Boardwalk and Park Place, only to fucking have fate decide the opponents will never land on those two spaces? Would you be pleased to go bankrupt despite the fact you own the two single best spaces in the game? Fuck Uncle Moneybags. I refuse to live by the rules of fate any longer. When I create my own board game, you'll go bankrupt purely by dumb ass decisions. It won't be decided by some laughable get out jail free card, or a pair of dice.

Join me my friends, in the fight against Monopoly. You don't have to make your board game, or even boycott Monopoly in it's entirety - Create new rules that so when you win, you see yourself as a future business man, and when you lose, you KNOW that you're destined to be a blue collar worker the rest of your life. Monopoly, it's a career decider now!

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